


a prayer for which no words exist

by lunaverenas



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Internalized Homophobia, Kunimi Akira-centric, M/M, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:08:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26127784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunaverenas/pseuds/lunaverenas
Summary: kageyama tobio is the moon. for a while, you thought that meant that you were the sun.
Relationships: Kageyama Tobio/Kunimi Akira
Comments: 9
Kudos: 28





	a prayer for which no words exist

**Author's Note:**

> i went to sleep thinking about writing this. i woke up and still remembered it, so i tried to write it - and i succeeded!
> 
> this ignores canon, but also does not. 
> 
> other than the internalized homophobia, the content/trigger warnings for this are: an implied fight, that will include blood [without any graphic descriptions of either] and homophobic language [because of the internalized homophobia]. if you see something else that you think needs to be warned for, feel free to tell me.

kageyama tobio is the moon. for a while - a period of time that seemed to last so long, but came to an end too soon - you thought that meant that you were the sun.

it had been stolen glances while he was not looking at you, because you are not a coward, but you are normal. it had been a heavy heart whenever you saw how easy it was for yuutarou to be close to him (to pull him into a hug, to make him at least look like he wanted to smile, to get him to talk about something other than volleyball), and you were not sure what about that sight angered you, what about it made you feel so sad. it had been the hunger, because suddenly, your stomach was completely empty, when you made him smile for the first time.

he made you feel something you had never felt before. he made you feel a lot of things you had never felt before. you looked to him and you admired him and you wanted to be closer to him.

(one thing that no one will tell you, that you will have to find out yourself, is that the sun and the moon are not meant to be together. that they might be connected to each other, but they will always be apart, separated by hours. they can not truly coexist.)

you admitted to yourself that you loved him, and then, you backtracked. you admitted to yourself that you liked it, when the two of you bumped shoulders, and then, you joined yuutarou in his melancholic comments about how hanako from the girls’ volleyball club never looked your way because she was too busy staring at oikawa. you admitted to yourself that you loved him, and then, you told yourself that it would be better if the two of you disliked each other because, at least, no one would suspect that you are a freak.

you were in love, or in something that looked like it. you were determined to make it stop, somehow. you would have a good life. you would marry a good-looking girl when you were older. you would have children with her and then no one would think you were anything other than normal.

"i think," he said, one day, while you and yuutarou and him were studying at your house, never his, because he is alone most of the time and you pretend you do not notice, "that boys are more handsome than girls."

you looked to him, and he seemed hopeful. as far as kageyama tobio can seem. it’s hard to tell with him, has always been. you looked to him and you had a feeling that the moon was talking of the sun. you still thought you were the sun, back then. (you do not know, but he thought so, too.)

you looked to him and you wanted to stop yourself. but you were determined. "that’s not normal," you replied. it was not rude nor was it too much of a personal offence. it was just the truth.

but there, you picked a picture up. your favorite. it was you and yuutarou and tobio and the three of you were having fun at an amusement park. yuutarou’s mom had insisted on going to the park, and on taking the picture, and on inviting you and tobio. you picked the picture up and teared it apart.

(in the middle of your second year at kitagawa daiichi, that is exactly what you would do.)

you don’t have to make an effort, after that. you don’t have to spread a rumor. you don’t have, and you can’t put in words how thankful you are for that, to hurt him too directly. no one would suspect you if you did, but you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself.

things start to go downhill and you’re supposed to be alright with that. but you underestimated how much you would need the moon to keep the stability that you had formed. you underestimated how much it would hurt to be the one who is criticized instead of the one who criticizes with him. yuutarou is forced to pick you over him, because what else could he do?

it happens because of you, but also because of him. your fear (not cowardice; you are not a coward, you are normal) is out of control and it affects him and he turns sharp. and it affects yuutarou and it affects the team. it began with your fear but it ended as something completely different. but it continues to be your fear, deep down, and you know that. you cry yourself to sleep when you have a date with hanako and she tells you you’re cute and she tells you she hopes she’ll see you again because - because she has a good personality, and she looks good, and she plays well, but you _can’t_ think of her as a wife, she is all everyone in your volleyball club could ever want but she is not what you want and she will never be.

you’re like a little child who aims high but never succeeds, except you do, except the balls hit the moon’s arms and back and head. you’re like a little child who wants to find out if the moon is made out of a cheese, which is funny, is cute, but when you break down for the first time ( _be faster_ is ringing in your ears) you see blood in his lips by the time yuutarou and another first year take you away from him. you hate him and you hate yourself because you are a fucking coward who can not admit to yourself that you want him. you hate him and you hate yourself. you hate him, but you hate yourself more.

it’s too much. you abandon him. so does yuutarou, because what else could he do?

he cries. you know it, because you take a peek behind, and his shoulders are shaking and tobio doesn’t makes a noise when he cries, but his shoulders shake. you don’t care. you don’t. why is he crying? he brought that upon himself.

why is he crying? how dare he cry, when you’re the one who’s a coward? how dare he cry, when he had enough courage to look at you and say _i think that boys are more handsome than girls_ and you never had enough courage to even look at him when he could look back at you?

you hate him.

oikawa doesn’t tells you, or yuutarou, that you’re being too slow. that you’re not being fast enough. if he sees that you can’t work with something, he’ll adapt to you. if he sees that you have potential, he’ll push you forward. it’s refreshing. you don’t think he’s pretty - he’s not the moon. it’s refreshing. he makes you want to be better, but you don’t tell him that, because you’re not about to massage anyone’s ego. but he makes you want to be better, so you try.

you come back home after your team wins against karasuno. your parents aren’t home and the lights are off. you climb up the stairs, and you’re tired. you trip, and you remember your mother telling you that she wants you to see if there’s something you want in the boxes that are in the hall-way, because she’ll throw the things that are inside of them away or donate them to the charity.

you are determined, out of a sense of bitterness against the box, to say no. but in between the contents that it dropped, there’s something you recognize.

it’s that picture. it’s been teared, and the part where you are is nowhere to be seen. yuutarou and tobio look happy and you are not there.

you take it to your room and you want to throw it in the trash but you end up putting it in a drawer in your desk.

you ignore it.

you come back home after your team loses against karasuno. you thought you wouldn’t care for volleyball anymore, after your third year at kitagawa daiichi, but losing makes you feel sad. makes you wish you had been stronger. he didn’t look your way. he tried to talk to yuutarou, before, but now he didn’t look to you or to him. you bumped shoulders. but not like in middle school. it didn’t make you bite your lip as you felt embarrassed. you’ll never have that again. why do you want to think you will?

you thought you wouldn’t care for volleyball anymore, but: you do, and so what? you have no choice, and you admit it to yourself. you have no choice but to practice until you sweat so you will not be this sad again. you have no choice but to care.

your mother’s golden glue is hard to work with, but you are determined. when you are done, you leave it to dry, and later, when it’s acceptable for you to be outside, (not so cold, not so early) you buy a frame that you saw in a store near where you live. it’s _boring_ but you can put the picture in it, and so you do.

you still think of yourself as abnormal. you still want to wake up in a different universe, one where you like girls like you are supposed to. but you are determined.

you are not the sun. you are not fast enough. your rhythm is different. you do not fly. 10 can fly; 10 is fast; 10 is the sun; 10’s rhythm is closer to his and this means that he is what you could never have been. you do not have oxygen or warmth.

you are not the sun - you are the void.

which means that you can be with the moon, because the moon lives in you. it is in your thoughts and it is in your fears and in the effort you make and in the sadness you feel.

you are a coward, but you are determined.

you are determined, even if god - like everyone else - will think of you as a freak.

your name is kunimi akira and you will fight god for dominance and you will win.

**Author's Note:**

> i like to think that something happy was on its way to happening after the ending, but this was meant to be bittersweet (and i am tired. That is also a reason), so i limited myself to writing something hopeful for the future instead of establishing said happiness.
> 
> the title is a quote from 'you are jeff', a poem by richard siken.


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